Here’s day 58 of 100 Indian Tinder Tales
And since I have drawn Edvard Munch’s Scream into all sorts of situations, I had to draw it into a unsolicited dick pic scenario.
“Why does a man name his penis?
Because he doesn’t want a stranger to make decisions for him.”
I got this from the girl bestie recently and we both guffawed. We talked about various things and it lead to unsolicited dick pics (DPs). I asked her what she thought. “G-R-O-S-S,” she wrote. Followed by, “One of the most difficult questions I have had to answer is – Does it turn you on?”
We laughed about how it never does. And how dumb men must be to think a picture of their thing would turn on women not discounting the fact that in action it totally can. Mostly. She said how we must have a readymade answer. I said mine was, “Aah, which my auto correct thinks is Aashna.”
“This is what encourages them to send it to the next girl.”
We laughed some more.
About DPs, I have gotten four unsolicited ones, not counting the ones the gay bestie sends for whetting. Again unsolicited. So all of them are pretty much of Caucasian men. What girl bestie would call, “So white, all tube lights.”
Anyway, the first time I got one, I wanted to delete it before I noticed anything or anyone saw it. I was a bit grossed out. But this was from a too-good-looking-to-be-true kinda American gent I had matched with while I was on Tinder for two hours. With his good looks he didn’t have to do much to get my number. We moved to Whats App and I couldn’t believe his good looks, so I kept asking him for pictures. He obliged with after-sweating-in-the-gym pic, running-for-a-shower-baby pic, getting-dressed-for-work pic, mostly pictures of his torso, his legs and his handsome face with his pelvis covered. Always.
I was then planning to do a book called Everyday Kamasutra and his well toned body provided me with ample inspiration. I drew a lot. He was rather flattered. Then one day he slipped in his erect penis. I quickly junked his junk. He complained, saying, “It is the first time I sent a girl a picture of my penis and you didn’t even react.” <del> What do I say, let me dance around your pole? NO WAY</del> It made me very uncomfy but we didn’t talk about it. We lost touch over time.
The next was from an Italian man I matched with in Vienna but never met. He was hot af but he was an electrician. Years of socialism that I was fed as a child didn’t come to my rescue. But as a consolation, I gave him my number. He was total electric current material. After months of not hearing from him, he randomly messaged me on Whats App saying he had moved to Australia and how hot I looked in my display pic. I thanked him and paid him a compliment or two. He tried sexting in his broken English and I laughed away. Next came the dick pic. I knew he was looking for a reaction, I put in kissing emoji and told him that I had to leave and quickly deleted the picture.
Third was from a man I really enjoyed talking to, an intelligent and funny traveller, one I had met and shared great chemistry with. While things were heating up between us, he sent me a DP. This was a man I didn’t want to disappoint, so I sent him an Aah. While I was deleting his junk, he asked me to return the favour. I told him if I sexted anymore, I would have to take seven dips in the Ganges. We laughed and I probably killed his drive.
By the time I got the fourth one, all my squeamishness had left the room or the train. I was on an overnight train, when the British bloke I matched with, started sexting on Tinder. I added a monosyllable or two. He looked like a dream and only talked about banging this exotic chick in various cities around Europe. As he kept writing, I was concurrently talking to a Gujarati family about mukhvas, theplas, etc. He kept adding links to his pictures on FB. I looked at each one of his pictures. It seemed like someone had taken special care in crafting him and he knew that. Then he added a picture of his phallus on FB, turned the setting to himself and sent me the link. I opened it. In my head, I said, “God had overcompensated, given him such a good looking face but the penis looks smaller than last picture I was sent.” Suddenly I heard myself, this was a penis I was talking about, something that used to be eww for me, especially that of a random man and here I was judging away. Maybe I had grown in a twisted kind of way, I thought.
And just then, he asked me that uncomfy question – what do you like better, my face or my cock. I so wanted to say face but I asked him how he had uploaded it on FB. He bragged about being a security guy. I dodged the question.
Next morning, I reached my destination and he kept messaging me. For the first time, I made a screenshot and sent it to the girl bestie. She looked at it and said,
“He is playing with flash and that’s why his pubes are shining like he has oiled it.” We both giggled and felt guilty. Then told ourselves – Men do this all the time, dismissing women on the size of their body parts.
After having written all this I must add, I am still a Tinder virgin.
Like my friend Aashna says, “No Tinder DPs could serenade thy vagina.”
Induviduality 