Madhu Arora from Delhi asks is there even a corresponding equivalent of the term “tom boyish”?

“Ever since I can remember, my son who is 6 going on 7 now, has shown affinity for things “labelled feminine”. And I say “labelled feminine” because it seems to me that as adults we love labels; it helps us break down a complex world into easier binaries. Pinks and blues, dolls and superheroes, boys are naughty and girls are nice etc.

He went through this phase where all my t-shirts became his gowns. Then he wanted to add my heels as well. Then he wanted to get fairy wings, and his first Barbie. He picked up a pretty pair of cowboy boots with rhinestones, from the girls section of a shoe store.

Neither my husband nor I felt anything odd about it. We did not deny him any thing or experience age appropriate, gendered labels be damned. The way we saw it, he was just a kid exploring the world. Neither was he showing early traits of his closeted sexuality (as suggested by a well-intentioned friend), and neither were we as parents trying to make a political statement about how progressive we were. We were JUST LETTING HIM BE A KID. The pink Dora school bag he chose for himself was simply because it was prettier, the rhinestone shoes because they were glittery. Wouldn’t you too if it wasn’t drilled in you early on that as a boy it is all about superheroes, and construction sets, and blacks and blues and greys? Or he could have simply imitating mommy? Who knows, and why should it matter?

The brunt of our “revolutionary parenting (eye-roll) was borne more by our son than us. While all we had to do was scold the shopkeeper who told him, “Aap kya ladki ho, jo doll se khelogey?”, he was the one who had to live with the snigger of older boys, when he checked out a book on Cinderella from the school library. While we okayed his watching Dora the Explorer because it is a fine educational show, he had to live with jibes on “You are a girl, you watch girl’s shows. Why don’t you wear make-up also? ” Mind you, he is not even 7 yet, and most of his tormentors are under the age of 10. It is both scary and sad how deep gender biases run in kids as young as his age.

And this is when he does do things “boys are supposed to do” too. Just like the Barbie phase, he went through an Optimus Prime phase as well. But apparently in the world we live in, your fate as a boy is sealed as soon as you utter the word “Pink”!

And while he is a tough cookie, one day my son decided he had had enough. He came home from a play-date, and told me, “Mom, I am a GOY because I like things that both girls and boys do.” There world, fuck off now!

Maybe when he grows up a little more I will tell him that his mother has always been a GOY too. Growing up and even now, I have never fully identified with what the society tells us being a Man or a Woman should be. Though the BIG and SAD difference in my son’s and my situation is that a girl/woman/daughter wanting to be like a boy/man/son is something our society applauds, but the opposite, it ridicules.

My son’s experiences have shown me up close how damaging patriarchy is for our men too. We are fine with our boys having guns as toys, but all hell breaks loose if a boy chooses a doll. And obviously when they grow up to be not caring enough or sensitive enough or expressive enough or are too violent or macho, we blame these boys again. It seems to me that when patriarchy rules, no gender can win.

As a goy myself, and as a proud mother of one, I hope that changes someday!”

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