Over to N.

“If one is to talk of body shaming, one insecurity all men face at some point is the absense of an erection. It is easily the most mind boggling embarrassing moment of a sexual encounter.

“Manliness” goes down the drain and the complete nakedness of emotion, of self confidence and everything else crashes. A man cannot fake an orgasm or sexual pleasure.

Men in stable relationships would possibly be unable to understand the absolute devastation of this. The devastation of the moment is probably lost in laughter and love, and cuddles that replace sexual desire further into the night. Another day, then, is another attempt.

But there are a lot of men who are commitment phobic, merely out there to explore. Not looking for anything serious. These, then are singular tests. Under such circumstances, it’s difficult not to be seen as a “sexual predator” (opposite of slut shaming), and sometimes it is unlikely to find the right company for a chance sexual encounter. Some days are good though, when you hit off a conversation.

When you hit it off with a person, and when that person too understands that sex is a two way street, and it’s okay for you to be all wet and wild. But sex does not seem like the end of an anxious ordeal for men who’ve had this problem. Merely the beginning.

For you’re young, naive, love the steam, and you go on with foreplay, when she says, “Fuck me”. Your heart is racing. It is not just excitement. But mostly anxiety, because you don’t exactly have a hard on yet. But you’re afraid to say it. Or look stupid. Or look impotent. Or feel impotent. So you pray to your penis. You pray that she doesn’t notice. You keep her busy for a while.

By now it’s not about being turned on. It’s about saving your reputation. Whenever you wish to think, or focus on the act, a visual appears, of the flaccid thing between your legs. Of your dead manliness. Of how this person would never be ready to see you again. But what’s worse? She’ll tell her friends (or worse, common friends) about how unmanly you are.

Every failure compounds. Every time this happens, the next time you think of this again, and it happens again. You want to overcome this. You’ve tried viagra, you’ve tried ashwagandha. You’re ready to quit smoking. But the thoughts never end. A man cannot fake an orgasm.

The best a woman could do, would be to understand that sex is not only about penetration. That even with no erection, there is fun to be had in bed.

In such times, a woman can help a man a lot. Simple reassurance works wonders. I don’t know. It’s a situation nobody knows how to deal with. The silence becomes awkward and both parties lose trust.

The best a man could is not blame himself. In a lot of cases, women cannot turn men on. Quite a few believe their naked presence is enough.

The trick is not to necessarily desire the erection. Sex is not just in the genitals. It is the art of touch. If you feel incredibly hard, go ahead. If not, it’s okay. And if the woman doesn’t come back another time, she wasn’t worth it anyway.

Treat yourself right. And treat her right.

It’s a game of chess. Sometimes the mind’s in the wrong place. Breathe. It’s happened to other people too. It happened to me. Don’t hate yourself.”

Previous | Next