Inspiration: Henri Matisse’s – The Dance
Over to K from the UK.
“I moved to the UK after my divorce and have been living here with my child. It has been 1.5 years and I’ve not met a man. How would I? I never got out of my own sweet world. I felt I should start travelling and then I’ll meet people like we do in India but alas I never took any tours. Then an old time friend convinced and sold me a online dating website OKCupid. He met his wife on it.
I never thought I wanted to date as dating for me meant just looking for sex. I wanted love! Also I thought it is not for smart, qualified and intelligent people but my researcher friend found an equally qualified girl from a reputed family. So I bought into the idea.
He helped me create my profile. I love nature and picked the username morning glory. I had not even completed my profile and I started to get loads of messages. Little did I or my nerdy friend know that morning glory had another meaning, one that aroused men, till a kind fella didn’t tell me that. The profile lasted for two days.
I created another profile, being extra cautious this time. I didn’t want to be giving out the the message that I was looking for sex. That was the last thing on my mind. I got frequent messages, chatted with a few. The best thing it did to me was boost my low self esteem. I used to be a very confident person but after my failed marriage I thought I lacked something. But with so many men messaging me and giving me the power to choose, it felt great!
I somehow never wanted an Indian man, I thought they couldn’t be trusted. The biggest challenge was choosing the age limit, I kept it at -2 +5 my age and slowly increased it to 40 then even to 42. I decided not to entertain young boys. I even looked for profiles similar to mine, of single fathers and learned a lot about myself and my preferences, just flipping through profiles. Good looks, that certain expression in their eyes and good qualifications were a must.
So when I came across this person’s profile who had very little written about himself but we shared similar hobbies and under what he is good at of all things he mentioned sex, I thought about it and told myself – I do want my man to be good at sex! What I liked was his pictures and his eyes, there was something genuine, kind and smart about him.
We started chatting, he was a product manager at McLaren. I am not into racing but Google confirmed that he was well educated and had a good job. He wanted to talk to me on the phone. While talking he mentioned that he lied about his age as his friends tell him he looks younger and girls his age are not as active as he is. His profile mentioned 40 but he actually was 46. He asked me if I want to continue, I thought for a few seconds and told him that age was just a filter and if it has to work it’ll.
We met over the weekend. He came to my town. He picked the restaurant, we had a good evening, he made me laugh, shared details about his family and friends. We walked back to his car, holding hands and then he kissed me, on my lips, not a peck but a proper kiss. I was not expecting it but I enjoyed it. There were a million thoughts in my mind – is anyone looking (we are next to my building), why did he kiss, what does it mean. My heart said – enjoy it stupid, you’ve not been kissed like this in the last three and half years. He complimented my hair and the way I kiss. I left confused and thinking.
I was happy but not sure what to make of it. I tell him I’m not comfortable with PDA . We chat in the morning and evening and meet again after two weeks. This time we walk, have dinner but don’t hold hands. I feel incomplete and I mention it. We kiss again. My body has new rhythm and I love it.
We keep chatting, my heart is rejoicing, he is perfect just as I’ve dreamt of and I never want to lose him. I read loads of articles on dating, find out who pays bills and buy new clothes too.
We meet again after two weeks. He surprises me. Gets a McLaren from work, I am indifferent to the car, it draws too much attention but is still fun. We cruise to the beach, walk for hours, kissing incessantly while sitting next to each other and when he drops me home after eight hours, we kiss for like 20 mins, easily the best kiss ever. I never want it to end.
We continue talking but I am a bit confused. We meet every two weeks, he is super busy with work and his other activities. I am so eager to meet him but why is he not?
After two weeks later we meet again. After hours of walking, talking but no holding hands or kissing ( I also don’t initiate), a nice dinner, he walks me back home and under my society we kiss briefly. I’m not comfortable, I want a darker corner, I say, “I want more time.” I meant I wanted more time with him then but anyway after a few more pecks he leaves. I can’t sleep that night as I want that long passionate kiss which never happened. I pour over every detail, read more pages and then it occurs to me…what I meant and what I said were two different things! I drop him a message at 5 in the morning, saying I need to meet him, how I want to kiss him and apologise for the confusion.
I felt like an idiot but he behaves normally, only goes quieter. I keep on ignoring it and continue as if nothing has changed but eventually ask him. He agrees and says that he likes me a lot but doesn’t see it working long term and doesn’t want to hurt me, hence went quiet.
R-E-A-L-L-Y?! That’s how a heated romance ends. It is more painful to have the other person wait than to tell the truth. I cry for two days. I feel a bit better but miss all the kissing. But the good bit is that I never thought I will ever fall in love but I did and now I know it can happen again. I learned I have a physical need which had been subdued for long and I am back on the OKC app. Let’s see who is next. There are many unanswered messages. “