Before I share today’s story I’d like to share a Viennese phrase – Vüh Oarsch, vüh Freid which means – Big ass, much happiness.
Over to C from Delhi.
“I have been body shamed most part of my 41 years. I was born a chubby little girl and have remained so. I went through the big bum, turnip thigh, fatty, whale, etc name calling. In fact in grade 2, my teacher said I had a “big bum”. I remember it so vividly, I stopped dancing or doing sport afraid my big bum would look funny. I simply existed and my body was something I saw separate from my mind and heart. My mind and heart held me up. Not my Body.
Don’t get me wrong, I have fond memories of my body also, the first time I masturbated and came. I had the power to pleasure myself! When a boyfriend looked at me undressing and said, “Beautiful”. The look in his big brown eyes is something that I will never forget. The tenderness with which he said it makes me feel beautiful even today.
In my 30s I had the most tumultuous relationship with my body. I had grown confident in my body, did a martial arts course and became a certified yoga and aerobics instructor. Participated in a beauty contest with teenagers and was a runner up. In another beauty contest I wore a ‘bikini blouse’ and was shamed for being bold on stage. I was three months pregnant then. My husband cheered me on!
I was pregnant for the first time the first trimester made me feel sick. Just when I started to enjoy my second trimester I miscarried. I had a condition called ‘incompetent cervix’. Could something in me be incompetent? I was so angry with my body how could I have something ‘incompetent’ in me. How could my body let me down? I later developed TB of the uterus and then followed an ‘infertile’ period.
Infertility in women makes women body shame themselves ruthlessly. It is the ultimate body let down. A baby is a natural right we assume. I got diagnosed quickly and gave birth a baby boy who was a healthy premature. Got pregnant a third time and lost a baby boy at 5 months, which put me on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Once again my ‘body’ was letting me down, this time my mind too.
I felt alienated from my body after the miscarriage; I bled continuously for 6 months. It was as if my body was crying to be loved. I hated my body. Grace stepped in; the grief helped me turn compassionate to myself. I wanted to heal my body and mind. I opened my heart and the yoga helped. Finally I acknowledged my nose, hands, legs, eyes, fingers, cervix etc. I am so glad I healed, this important relationship from shaming and disgracing to accepting, loving and enjoying.
With the help of exercise, wisdom and age I started to enjoy the woman I was – big thighs, arms, incompetent cervix and all. When I saw my first grey hair, wrinkles, felt my shoulders and knees hurt, I started to wince at the woman in mirror, shaming my body for growing older and crumbling. I consciously stopped.
To maintain a healthy relationship with your body requires constant self-reassurance, self-acceptance and self-love. It is a dynamic relationship that is manipulated by ridicule and shame, both from self and society.
Realize there is a freedom in having a body and allowing yourself to enjoy it. For good or bad, better or worse we have only this body. Take it from a middle-aged woman who made peace with her body finally.”
