“This is a story about my chest, not my breasts. For me, it’s just mass of fat attached to me. Literally, a burden on my chest that I carry around – that’s how I have always thought of them. That’s NOT how the society sees them so I have suffered the usual trauma – staring, touching, awkwardness and to top it all, these..chesticles? give me a gender that’s not mine, no matter how masculine I look or dress. Just having them on my body feels like trauma on many days, and on other days, I am indifferent, just trying to be functional.
This is the nudest I have been for a pair of eyes that are not mine. This is (one example) of how genderdysphoria and bodydysphoria looks like.
I have had the good fortune of dating people/women who have been kind and understanding. Even though I didn’t know how anyone could love my transmasculine body and I couldn’t communicate it to them either but, they never made me feel uncomfortable about my chest. The last person I dated asked me if I would like having chest hair after my top surgery? I think it excited me to think about it. I am not sure if we had the time or bandwidth to articulate an answer.
I could throw around labels around my experience, which have been important in their own way – being transgender, transmasculine, non-binary but the point is, our bodies, sexes and gender identities are not meant to be binary – I could be a transman who doesn’t want top surgery, I could be a cisgender woman who feels sexy about her flat chest. I could be the universe, really.
I personally need to physically transition to a more male-looking body for my sanity – it’s one of those things that I need and also grieve. My chest is a part of my story, I have fought this world and made my place in it as a woman, even if it’s not how I identity. I have lived with this body part since puberty. Perhaps there is grief. But, there is also hope. I want to connect with the body I live in. I want to hug people tighter and let them in.
I am a buddhist, so I believe every thought creates a cause. I am on my way to #NoBoobies2020, it’s not an easy journey and I am here, receiving your thoughts and prayers and opening myself up to vulnerability, with all my heart and all my power.”
They wanted to be drawn with a shower of flowers
