TW: Gaslighting, physical and emotional abuse, abortion

“I loved a guy whom I knew for 8 years who was also my first boyfriend. We started talking again because we had mutual friends and we got along well. I’m still not sure whether he was my boyfriend but I didn’t mind because not all relationships have names. 

I’d completed my bachelors in mechanical engineering so I had a lot of male friends. When we were together again, he asked me how many guys I had slept with and I answered saying he was my fourth. Initially he made me feel like he was fine with it but the emotional abuse began when I got pregnant (which we got aborted immediately). He asked me if it was his or someone else’s. He would compare me to other girls and a few times he even blackmailed me saying he would tell my sister that I just slept around with everyone. I continued to be with him because he made me believe that I gave him reasons to doubt me. 

At that time, I was working in a manufacturing plant, which being male dominated, was another reason for him to doubt me as I was surrounded by men. He made me feel that guys approached me at bars or anywhere because I was easy. He feared that I’d have sex with a random guy. He also said that I wouldn’t last in any relationship unless I changed. 

To show my love for him I stopped going out with my friends, smiling (I used to smile even while crying), or doing anything without his permission. I really wanted to make us work because I felt what he said was true and I wanted to do everything possible so he’d trust me. 

He used to go through my WhatsApp messages and had my Instagram password. One night when he was asleep, he received a notification from Tinder. I unlocked his phone and found that he was texting multiple girls to have sex with them and the reason he gave me was – ‘you slept with so many guys so even I want to’. He didn’t understand that I did it before him and not while being with him. He was also upset that even though we had dated in the past, he was not the first person I had slept with. I was even fine with him sleeping with others because I thought we wouldn’t have these issues again. 

Once we had a fight and he forced himself on me. My hands were held behind my back and I lacked the physical strength to push him away. He was on top of me and he fingered me more vigorously as I tried to stop him. I was lying still because I didn’t want to trigger him more. It lasted for a few minutes and then he finally stopped. I was broken. How could somebody whom I’ve known for eight years and in love do this to me? 

I was scared to end things with him at that moment because I was alone with him. It only dawned on me when few of my colleagues who I hardly interacted with asked me if anything was wrong and that I could reach out to them. I could suddenly see all the wrong I’d let him do to me. I finally let him go. A few days later I changed my WhatsApp DP. In my new DP I was wearing shorts. He responded with, “You know I don’t like such pics so why would you put this?” He also told me that I had ended it with him because I wanted to fuck around.  

It’s been over two years now and at times I still feel his weight on me. I haven’t been able to forgive myself completely for letting another person treat me like that.”

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